• Nikki J

Let's get personal.........

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This post is totally out of my comfort zone and in all honesty it started off as something I was just going to delete after I had got it all out, but, I figured pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is always a good thing and I’m sure a lot of people can relate. This isn’t a pity party by the way it is just the truth so any haters can literally fuck off.

I do put a lot out on social media but only the things I want people to hear or see. I always say to people it’s what I don’t put on social media that you should worry about. By that I mean I live my actual life away from social media. You may think you know me from what I post or share but unless you are actually properly in my life you literally have no idea.

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From the outside everything can seem completely perfect and that I am living the most amazing life, and sometimes I really am. There are many moments where life really is my version of perfect but there are also times where I can spend most of the day in tears. Let’s face it the latter would never be shown on social media and to be honest I don’t really share it with anyone. I could be breaking down and someone could text me or tag me in a post and I would respond like I always do and they would be none the wiser.

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Don’t get me wrong I do open up to my friends and family and these people are just a very small selection that actually know who I really am and I love them to bits. But, I don’t always share everything at all times and I know I’m not the only one. I could be having an absolute horrific day and a good friend could text me and I wouldn’t ever let it show to them unless I wanted to. Since I lost my dad I have found I am so good at looking happy on the outside when my heart is literally breaking into a million pieces inside. I sometimes weirdly feel really proud of this and I can do it for so many different situations.

I’ve been having a few really shit days, where I have cried too many times, it’s an absolute joke. There's so many things going on at once that sometimes it just breaks me. I may come across as a cold hearted bitch but when something happens with something or someone I actually give a shit about it really hurts. But, to everyone else I am great. I still share funny memes on Facebook and upload a happy picture to Instagram just like I usually do.

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No one ever knows what is fully going on when you close your door at night, and that goes for anyone so let’s give everyone a bit of a break.

I absolutely hate showing anyone that I’m upset. There’s nothing wrong in it and I'll always admit that I'm having a down day, but I hate having to explain why I’m sad as it just brings all the shit back to the surface and I am so not here for it. My sister says that I’m not always dealing with things but I have my own system, if something flickers in my mind that I don’t want to think about I just shake my head until it goes. I do tend to bury my head in the sand about a lot of things and it might not always be the right thing to do but it works for me.

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I have obviously dealt with the fact that I lost my dad, I’m not living in denial I do know he isn’t here anymore but whenever I think about it I just get upset and I don’t want to deal with it. If I let myself sit and think about my dad not being here I would literally cry all day every single day and I can’t live my life like that.

When I am on this subject never, ever tell anyone to get over losing someone or they will get over it with time. You never get over it you just learn to live with it and get through each day as best as you can. Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t feel the same as it did for the first few weeks after my dad went, those weeks are an absolute blur, but it does feel just as shit and in some way it can be worse as it has been such a long time since you last saw the person.

When I lost my dad I said to myself I never want to feel pain like that ever again. It is the most horrendous physical and emotional pain and I’ll be damned if it is going to happen again. I’ve always had a bit of a wall up when it comes to situations but since then it has been refurbished to make it higher and thicker than ever.

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A friend of mine recently said, that any other pain will be a piece of piss compared to losing my dad and I shouldn’t keep a wall up because I will be able to deal with it. As much as I hate to admit it she’s actually right and I had never looked at it that way before. Even though I do still get upset over situations and feel like absolute shit, it still isn’t no where near as bad as the pain from losing my dad. So now I say fuck you!!! Hurt me, upset me do whatever the fuck you want because I know I will be ok and will come back from it and be better than ever.

This goes for absolutely any situation, if you didn’t get the job you wanted, if you lose a friend or if your business isn't going exactly to plan in words of Aaliyah 'Dust yourself off and try again'. It’s their loss not yours.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and to a point you just have to let them. I know what I'm doing even if it isn't always the right thing. I really appreciate my amazing friends, my mum and my sister. When shit hits the fan these are the people that are there and I will be eternally grateful.


South Wales, UK

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